Attachment theory begins in early caregiving relationships, where a child’s experience of care shapes how safety, closeness, and emotional availability are understood. When care is consistent and responsive, children tend to develop a sense of security. When care is unpredictable, unavailable, or emotionally inconsistent, children adapt in ways that help them maintain connection.

Many adults come to therapy having learned anxious or avoidant ways of relating — often described as insecure attachment patterns — shaped by these early adaptations. Secure attachment is not something everyone starts with, but it is something that can be developed over time, often through new relational experiences.

Secure attachment is first learned through responsive, attuned relationships. We are shaped by how others respond to us, particularly in moments of vulnerability.When people first learn about attachment, the focus is often on finding safer relationships — people who are more consistent, more communicative, more emotionally available. And that does matter.

But in practice, one of the most transformative shifts in attachment healing happens somewhere quieter and less visible: learning to trust yourself in the presence of uncertainty.

In my work, many clients arrive believing that if they could just feel more reassured — if others behaved more predictably — their anxiety would settle. Yet even when reassurance is offered, the relief is often short-lived. The nervous system may settle briefly, but the relief doesn’t consolidate, and patterns of threat monitoring soon re-emerge.

This isn’t because someone is “too much” or asking for the wrong thing. Rather, it’s because reassurance alone doesn’t repair an attachment wound that was formed in conditions of unpredictability or emotional inconsistency. Reassurance regulates in the moment, but lasting security develops through repeated experiences of staying connected to oneself in the presence of uncertainty. What does help is developing an internal sense of steadiness — a belief that you can stay with yourself, even when things feel unclear.

Why reassurance has a short half-life

Reassurance works at the surface level of anxiety. It answers the question: Am I okay right now?

Attachment anxiety, however, is less about the present moment and more about how well uncertainty can be tolerated — particularly the possibility of change, distance, or loss.

This is why reassurance can feel essential in the moment, but rarely brings lasting relief.

For people who are emotionally sensitive, highly attuned to others, or neurodivergent, the nervous system is often particularly good at detecting shifts — in tone, timing, energy, or presence. Without a strong internal anchor, this can lead to hyper-monitoring and self-doubt.

Over time, when reassurance becomes the main regulator, the message absorbed internally can sound like:

I’m okay only when someone else confirms it.

Over time, this erodes self-trust rather than building it.

Attachment is also an internal relationship

Attachment isn’t only about how we bond with others — it’s also about how we relate to our own internal experience.

Many people have learned, often early on, that certain feelings create distance or disconnection. The body then develops strategies: scanning, anticipating, managing, holding things together. These strategies are intelligent responses to past environments. But they can quietly keep a person externally focused and internally disconnected.

Healing begins when attention gently shifts inward — not in a self-absorbed way, but in a stabilising one.

In attachment terms, this is the development of an internal secure base — an internal sense of safety that allows you to remain connected to yourself even when relational certainty is unavailable.

This is where attachment work and mindfulness often meet.

Mindfulness as self-trust, not self-control

Mindfulness is sometimes misunderstood as a way of calming down or overriding distress. For many people — especially those with intense emotional or sensory experiences — this framing doesn’t land well and can even feel shaming.

A more helpful way to understand mindfulness in attachment healing is this:

learning to stay present with your internal world without abandoning yourself or rushing to fix it.

That might mean noticing anxiety without immediately acting on it.

Allowing uncertainty without forcing clarity.

Letting an emotion rise and fall without interpreting it as a problem that must be solved.

Each time someone does this — even briefly — they are sending a powerful internal message:

I can be with myself here, in this moment.

Over time, experiences like this help build a greater sense of internal safety and trust, supporting nervous system regulation rather than constant threat monitoring.

Sitting with discomfort builds capacity, not toughness

There is an important distinction between enduring discomfort and relating to it differently.

Attachment healing is not about tolerating pain or staying in situations that harm you. It’s about recognising that discomfort, uncertainty, and longing are part of being human — and that you don’t have to escape them immediately to be safe.

Over time, this practice builds something subtle but profound: choice.

Instead of reacting automatically — chasing reassurance, withdrawing, over-explaining, or self-silencing — people begin to notice a pause. In that pause, they can ask:

• What am I actually feeling right now?
• What do I need, even if I don’t act on it immediately?
• What response would I respect myself for later?

This is how self-trust begins to take shape in everyday moments.

What changes when self-trust grows

As internal trust strengthens, many people notice that:

• Reassurance becomes less urgent
• Boundaries feel clearer and less guilt-laden
• Emotional reactions pass more quickly
• Relationships feel less consuming, even when they matter deeply

Not because attachment needs disappear — but because they are held within a wider, steadier internal system.

People often describe feeling more “themselves” in relationships, less preoccupied with managing outcomes, and more able to tolerate the natural uncertainty that intimacy brings.

A quieter kind of security

Secure attachment isn’t loud or dramatic. It doesn’t announce itself with certainty or confidence at every moment. Often, it feels quieter than expected.

It sounds like:

• I don’t know how this will unfold — and I trust myself to handle what comes.
• I can feel this without acting on it straight away.
• My feelings matter, and I can hold them with care before deciding what to do next.

This kind of security doesn’t come from perfect relationships or constant reassurance. It grows from repeated experiences of staying present with yourself — especially when things feel uncertain.

For many, therapy becomes one of the places where this learning can deepen — through a relationship that offers consistency, reflection, and space to stay with feelings rather than escape them. Over time, this can support the development of what attachment theory describes as earned security.

🪷 Written by Hannah Metternich, trauma-informed integrative therapist and ADHD‑informed practitioner based in Canterbury, UK